I wonder if this is what those hermit characters feel like right before they run away to a dark dark cave where they never shave again. I’d like to do that, oh how nice it would be to escape from life when you’re feeling this low, this lonely. I can’t do that. I’d die… and not because I’m scared of moths but because I would actually die.

I’m sick of feeling so restricted by the life that I’ve created for myself, and the life I’ve been given by the gods/spirit/demons/nature/large cat/popcorn in the sky/pits of hell/clouds/oceans/popcorn. See I have my car loan, my home loan, my cats, my jobs and my health that chain me forever into a position I no longer like… I want to break free but can’t, particularly health… this is something I can never escape.

No matter how much I hate it I can’t change the fact I need 30+ pills a day to live, or look ugly because of the fucking stupid drug side effects with their weight gain and puffy face crap… I can’t escape all these things and so much more..

I just need to breathe without the life I have, I need to breathe and not worry about it… I need to escape.

This boy is broken, so broken. So confused and so broken. So low and so broken. I lay in my bed right now and just want to roll over and hug something, but its empty.. my bed is empty.. I’m in my bed and I feel empty, so how could my bed not feel empty. I’m broken, I’m out of faith.

I miss him so much, I miss being able to ring when I feel this way, I miss friendships. Even my real friends don’t give a fuck about me, I would be there giving them a hug if they felt like this, but I’m the strong one, the one who doesn’t need no fuckin hugs.

Well you know what? I do.

I ramble and blaaaah when I’m this broken, I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll ever not be broken.

What to do.

I’ve decided Its time for me once again to use this website as an outlet for my inner thoughts and usually hidden truths. Its been a very long time and I have been through a lot since my last proper non-cryptic post, truth is I can’t write when I’m happy, and I have been incredibly happy and thus I had been incredibly blocked.

I know no-one or hardly anyone reads this blog and so again I find it easier to writer, it sounds ridiculous; why would I write something online if I didn’t want anyone to read it? Perhaps I do secretly long for someone to read it, for someone to realize perhaps I’m not the eccentric happy dancing fool all the time… Maybe that’s my secret, my inner feelings want and need to be outer feelings.

I find myself sitting here wondering what has happened in the past 12 months, a fuck load of stuff and yet I feel like I’m still standing in the same spot.

I feel in love with a boy, an amazing boy who made me happy, who blinded me to the crap in the world. I found myself constantly in awe of his heart, his head and his soul. I am no longer with the one I love. I came to a realisation that sometimes I have to come first… The times between the happy shared momments was getting longer and longer, and while I don’t blame either of us, I wish I could have had it the way I wanted… constantly happy. Is there such a thing? I once thought so.

I have a home, no longer a house that is merely a roof and some walls… a home. I finished painting and fixing up my lovely abode not long ago and am so happy with how its come out. I wake up in my bed, in my bedroom, in my home and can’t believe that its mine… I own a home. Its an amazing feeling to know I did this all myself… I do wonder how I can still feel home sick for my childhood home though.

I sometimes think that perhaps to an outsider I appear as someone who is spoilt, someone who ‘has it all’… but that is far from the truth. Ever since my transplant I seem to have fallen into a ‘need it now’ phase. I bought a brand new car, a house, two cats… I mean.. thats crazy right?.. I do sometimes wish I hadn’t made my life so complicated… I don’t know why I’ve done all the things I have, but I have and I am proud of what I have… The question I need to answer is am I proud of what I am.

If you see me spinning, I’ll say I am okay. But I’m not, I’m broken.

Dig with your swollen hands into the dirt
Take your shirt off, wipe the hurt off.
Smile as though you’ve never known more
Laugh the pain away, stay this sane all day

Dance with those frozen feet all on the floor
Wipe the sweat away, fight the night all day
Cry like its really never good
Scream your youth away, never shift the blame

- Dan Baird (WIP)

Money really does make the world go around but there is something far more important in life then money. Life. In my 21 or so years I have managed to learn that as much as things can go wrong, as long as you and your loved ones are healthy there is no point in worrying, I made a major decision in my life not long ago; to buy a house, Its a major event in my life and another great thing to check of my list. See, people keep asking me when I tell them; “how can you afford that?”, “are you rich?”, “did your parents help?”… The answer to all those questions are NO. No, I can’t currently afford it; I have no savings. No, I am not rich; I ran out of petrol this morning, No, my parents did not help; I pride myself in being independent.

Now this might seem puzzling to you, how can I buy a house with no money? I got a loan from my bank like most other people… How am I going to afford it? I will cut back on luxury items such as CDs and DVDs. See… If there is one thing about my personality that I am incredibly (and egotistically) proud of it would be my ability to get what I want. I believe that there is no reason to stop your dreams and no reason to be cautious when it comes to living. If I was cautious about making decisions that could end up wrong I wouldn’t have had an operation that gave me another chance at living. I guess thats where my mantra stems from.

So something goes wrong and I end up having to sell it. I’ll get the money back to pay of the loan and that will be that. Who cares if it fails? You know what? I tried; I did it and I went for it, thats a heck of a lot more then some people have done. What exactly is scary about money? If I was poor and homeless I would still be me and I would still have my family, money really is irrelevant in my life.

Wow! Thats a huge jumble of writing; I’m a bit rusty on this writing thing…

So, thats right folks! I am back and I bought a house! I bought a cute little one bedroom apartment in Maidstone, which is 10kms west of the city; thats right only 10kms! I am so incredibly proud of myself, I can’t move till Feb and it is going so slowly, but I am really excited!

What else has been happening? I’m in love… still. Me and my lovely boy are celebrating 3 months officially tomorrow; he’s got a surprise for me, I’m so lucky to have him, I have never met someone so kind hearted, so hot, so loveable in my entire life; he means the world to me, I’m head over heels.

Oh god I’ve turned into a blabbing mess. Oh; and its only early… I might try and sleep now anyway.

Nice to be back.
Dan.
x

Expecting nothing less from my life but a roller coaster ride; this month has proved to be as bumpy and smooth as the previous eight months of the year. I don’t know what it is about me that insists on having such a erratic life! Perhaps thats the epitome of who I am.

Happy
As per my last post; I’m with this really nice boy who I am proud to call my boyfriend, What can I say! I’ve never met anyone like him; I love waking up next to him, I love holding his hand in a scary movie, I love cooking for him, I love playing hide and seek with him. I like him. He is one of the the nicest, most caring persons I’ve ever met. *aww*.

Sad
A special girl I know passed away this month. Elke was and is an inspiration to me, She continued to impress me with her individuality and strength. Elke would tell it like it was, that is the most highly ranked quality in my book. She was one of the youngest kids in Australia to have a lung transplant; she; along with Alyce, and Kristy gave me the courage to make the decision that changed my life. Another one of my angels is now looking over me.

Happy
I went to the zoo with my boy, it was heaps of fun! I got to see the cute little animals, and the not so cute. I wanted to take them all home; somehow I don’t think Coda would appreciate that. Oh well! Next year. Oh oh… Check out my zoo pics! Click here.

Sad
I miss people. I miss Liz, Rae, Sheree, Joe, Kate, Cassy, Mel, Kylee, Belinda, James, Dave, John, Kylie, Elise, Mands, Shane, Jess, Clare… God the list goes on; and as I realize I’ve drifted apart from some of the people who I love dear, it saddens me. I’ve got no one to blame but myself however somewhere deep down I feel as though they don’t want to see me, I mean its a two way street right? I’m not shifting the blame; I know its my fault for not putting in an effort to keep these people close, but I hope and wish that each and every one of those people know how special they are to me. I miss you and love you all. I’m trying.

Happy
I’m happier at work now; Not sure what changed but I think I’m trying to look at things more positively, its fun and a great oppertunity for me; Almost been there two years now! Wow time flys.

Sad
Money is nil. Behind in rent. Spendaholic bad habbits I can’t control. When I get sad I spend, when I am happy I spend… oh no.. I just spent.

Happy
Relating to the above, I finally have a new iPod! I bought a brand spaking new ‘iPod Classic’ a shinny black one with 80gb of storage; more then enough. It’s already had great use. Tonight I decided to walk home whilst listening to music… Silly me didn’t realize how far Flemington was from Flinders Street Station! But I did it, and Mr Cogsworth (My iPod) made it enjoyable.

Hmm I best get to sleep; try to anyway. As usual, its been sparatic!

Peace.
xo
db

Twenty two days into August and I decided to make me first post of the month.. Wow I’ve been really uninspired! It might have something to do with the whole winter ending thing, I really love winter and want it to never end! and no, that isn’t sarcasm. Something about winter makes me feel great, watching the rain on the road, cuddling into my bed and watching corny repeats of Bewitched, having warm milos… Its all to exciting! Oh well… It’ll be back, like a friend I lose touch off and then out of the blew, I find her on facebook!

Whats been happening? A lot, a little. I met a nice boy.. Yes again… but I don’t want to say anymore for the purpose of Jinxing something I feel very confident about… Okay maybe I’m a bit superstitious, oh and if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I like you. Duh!

I got home tonight to find that I was popular, Well not really.. but someone is playing games with me and its starting to freak me out. Every few weeks I get a knock on my door from someone, with something I didn’t request. For eg.. A few weeks ago a taxi showed up! At 11pm on a week night, adamant it was for my unit and street number, the driver got angry with me. Well tonight I had 2 taxi’s, a pizza man and one suspicious “I’ve got your delivery”. I didn’t open my door to any of them after the second taxi and spoke though the intercom. I’m quite scared, someone must hate me… The “I’ve got your delivery” especially scared me.

I had a bath to try and calm down and relax after a very stressful day; only to find everytime I closed my eyes and had my head under the water I had imagery in my head of a man braking into my house and creeping into my bathroom, standing over me with a weapon as I slowly opened my eyes… I think I’m going crazy.. No really. It was a strange kooky night.

I’m so freaked out right now I’m seeing shadows out my window and I’m not forming very good sentences!
I don’t even think I can even spell four words right! Oh yes I can (4).

Anyway I’m off to hide under my warm blankets and freak out some more with my over worked imagination. Why does it only work at night?

Good night my friends.
x
d

P.S. Add me on facebook if you’re on it. It’s my latest online obsession. Click here to add me.

Perhaps it’s a nice change that I sit here at work before I head home to what would usually be a routine of walking in, turning on the heater and crashing on the couch to a night of shit TV and random MSN conversations. Its been a long time since I felt in the mood to write in this; while the sun was still up… Its a bit refreshing I must say.

So last night I went to the stingo (A gay pub) for the first time; met a couple of mates from work there… It was actually a good night; I spent the evening flirting with the bar tender; We swapped numbers and the such so we shall see how it goes… Fuckin hot guy, He’s a acrobat in the circus in the day! How awesomeness… Anyways… That was a good night; perhaps slightly bought down by my argument with a mate who stormed out like a little gay queen… oh well. Since when is friendship something you just walk away from? Not me, Not I. We’ll sort it out no doubt. I hope so; He’s a good guy and I rate him highly.

My social calender seems to be getting busy, tomorrow night is the Cristina Aguilera concert; Very exciting! I’m upset my friend Dave who was going with me can’t make it. He has to fly out of the country suddenly because his grandma is sick. I hope he’s keeping his chin up and his grandma is getting better. Non the less the show must go on, and I’m going to head there with my new friend James.. should be a great night.

Oh I’d best be off… Its home time and the longer I hang around here the more depressed I get! WHOOPS!

Ciao bella.
xo

One single little ant walks across my keyboard, I notice it and place my finger on it ever so gently, I life my finger and it slowly picks its self up and continues to move across the keys, I put my finger on it again as I can see it is in pain; I put it out of its misery. Why did I need to hurt and kill something that was doing nothing to hurt me? Is it human nature to only hurt?

I listen to an album in length this morning as I can’t sleep, Darren Hayes 2nd solo album ‘The Tension and the Spark’, I all ways feel so much more connected to music when I know what I’m listening to has been written by the person conveying it to me. Lyrics in all these tracks are hitting a spot right now, his writing all sounds like a familiar story to me, I’m not sure what it is but I sit here in tears listening to it. It takes a lot to get me to emote these days, well emote anything other then “I’m fine, I’m happy, Let’s dance”. Because lets face it, we know thats just my facade.

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don’t like?
- Unlovable, Darren Hayes

Perhaps it isn’t that far fetched an idea to say that it is a similar story to mine, after all he is also a gay man, so I would imagine he has lived through a bit of stuff that I’ve been experiencing lately, the bitterness of seeing someone you like be whisked away by someone else, the waking up next to a guy you thought you knew to be told simply ‘goodbye’. Settling for the easiest thing you can find because its all you feel you deserve.

I let a stranger love me
I gave away my pride
I bit my lips, so I could block my mind
I’ve called your name to others
Just like a spinal chord
Severed and broken but the spark still tries
- Void, Darren Hayes

Why must we not only hurt others, but hurt ourselves? Why do we do things we know aren’t good for us? I really take comfort knowing I’m not alone; even if it a famous musician who now is happily married and living on the other side on the world.

I’m sorry. I’m so ashamed.

Love
me.